Letting Go: Coping With and Supporting Your Child's Transition To Adulthood

This is it! This is the year my baby girl is going to fly the nest. I’ve known for almost 18 years that this day would come but it somehow never seemed real. Over the last six months though, it has gradually, one event or comment at a time, dawned on me that it’s really going to happen - and soon. It’s time for me to prepare to let go of the precious child I’ve spent the last 17 and a half years keeping safe.

When I say that I’m preparing to launch my child, don’t be concerned that she’s about to be launched from her bedroom window! I recently heard podcaster and author Mel Robbins talk about the term “empty nester” and how she prefers to think of herself as a “bird launcher”. I’ve decided I’m adopting this term: We are preparing to launch our girl into the world.

I’ve already written about my experience of attending university open days with Vaila. I mean, of course I understood why we were there, but it still felt a bit like a game. I was there at her side afterall; there to help find the lecture theatres, pay for lunches and ask questions.

I’m only just starting to understand that all this uni preparation is needed by us parents almost as much as the students. The open days marked the start of a year of transition and I now realise that uni is only one part of the transition from teenager living at home to young adult living their own life.

Now that I’ve reached this stage of parenting I find it astounding that, in contrast to the gazillions of baby books available, I haven’t come across a lot of books about how we cope with our babies becoming adults. To me, this is the scariest stage yet! (Please don’t tell me it’ll get worse.)

Now, I have to acknowledge that we’ve had a pretty easy job with our girl. In fact, she’s been an absolute pleasure to raise. However, when you’re a mum prone to catastrophising, the steps that she’s preparing to take are more than a little terrifying.

Currently, Vaila is learning to drive. I'm actually fine with this so far and I suspect that’s because, as with the uni open days, I’m there right beside her as an extra pair of eyes, reassurance and guidance as she develops her skills and confidence. If she’s not in the car with me she’s with a fully qualified driving instructor or her dad. However, one day she is going to pass her driving test and then the law says she is allowed to go out in a car all by herself. On actual roads! My current coping strategy is to not think that far ahead. (This is no reflection on Vaila’s driving ability - if you’ve read my blog about anxiety  you’ll know that I feel much the same about my husband going out in the car.)

I can only hope that when the time comes, I’ll take comfort from the fact that Vaila has always been sensible about what she feels ready to do.

Back in November, as I sat on the runway at Luton airport, I found myself reeling at the realisation that my little girl really is growing up. The plane was taxiing to the runway and I had just turned my phone onto flight mode, having ascertained that Vaila was on a train on the other side of London. She was also homeward bound but under her own steam, with her best friend. Sitting on that plane, it felt so strange to think of those girls, all by themselves in the big city.

This had been their first experience of independent travel. I had been there as the designated “over 18” required for the hotel booking but they had travelled down by themselves, had their own hotel room and explored London independently, only meeting up with me briefly to hand over room keys and hair straighteners.

On my journey I reminisced with my friend about how nervous we had been about letting the girls venture to Edinburgh, only a twenty minute train ride from home. And now here we were, our little girls on a train hurtling them over the border into England before offloading them in one of the busiest cities in the world.

As my plane took to the sky I found myself thinking about Vaila and her friendships and I realised how fortunate we are. Vaila has done a smashing job of establishing and maintaining friendships, including her travel buddy who has been her best friend since they met on their first day at primary school. Knowing that Vaila has this skill and seems to be a good judge of character is a comfort as she prepares to start a new chapter which will inevitably involve making new friends. 

Before dealing with the start of university, however, we have a host of new experiences to face/enjoy (depending on whether you’re me or Vaila!). Over the summer there are concerts and festivals, not to mention the holiday she’s planning with her friends.

I like to think that we’ve helped Vaila to prepare for these milestones. I now feel OK about her going to concerts without me because I’ve been to some with her and observed how capable she is. Likewise, her independent visit to London and recalling how she and I worked as a team to navigate foreign airports this year have shown me that she is more actually quite capable of travelling without me.

In all of these situations; driving, travelling, partying, I can take some comfort from knowing I can trust my child. However, I can’t control the actions of other people in society and I guess that’s something I have to learn to live with. And try not to dwell on.

As for my anxiety about keeping her safe - that’s MY problem and I will not let it detract from Vaila’s experience. I know others whose children have already left home and I still see them out and about - they’re not in a dark room weeping and wailing (well, not all the time anyway) so I take hope that I will also find ways to cope with this huge change.

Just before Christmas Vaila received her first university offer giving us all cause for celebration followed swiftly by another knock of realisation for me. The egg timer has officially been turned over and the countdown is on! I’m excited for my girl and the experiences that await her, I really am. But I suspect that the reality of having successfully launched my wee chick will not hit until she has actually moved out. I know I need to see this as a change, not a loss. I'm trying!

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Reflecting on our journey, I’ve found a few strategies that have helped me navigate this transition so far, which I hope might be useful for you as well.

Encourage Responsibility Gradually: Let your child take the lead in planning trips or making decisions, like managing their budget for outings. This builds confidence and decision-making skills.

Teach Life Skills: Ensure they know how to cook a few basic meals, do their laundry, and manage their finances. These are practical skills they’ll need for independence.

Practice Independence Safely: Start small. Encourage them to take day trips or attend events without you before embarking on longer, more significant journeys or holidays.

Create a Support Network: Talk to other parents going through the same experience. Sharing fears and coping strategies can be immensely reassuring. I’ve found support in a couple of Facebook groups: Postcards From Midlife and Parents of Current & Prospective University Students in the UK.

Practice Letting Go Incrementally: If possible, give yourself “trial runs” by being less involved in their activities. For example, let them organise their schedule or handle situations without stepping in. (Practise tongue biting!)

Discuss Boundaries and Safety Plans: Have open conversations about topics like safe partying, driving responsibly, and what to do in emergencies. Equip them with strategies to handle unexpected situations.

Provide Resources: Make sure they know how to contact you or other trusted adults and have access to practical tools like budgeting apps or local emergency contacts.

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Watching our children spread their wings is as much a milestone for us as it is for them. It’s a journey of trust, pride, and growth—for both us and them. Exciting and heartbreaking in equal measures, now is time for us as parents to step back and cheer them on as they embark on their adventures.

Are you also preparing for your offspring to fly the nest or adjusting to them not being a child anymore? How are you feeling about it? Or maybe you’re ahead of me in this game and have some words of advice? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.

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