What Do You Do All Day? The Reality Of Our Flexible Education

“What do you do all day?”

I’ve been asked this question by numerous people - friends, school staff, an Educational Psychologist. I know it’s not meant to make me feel uncomfortable. It’s a reasonable question, asked out of genuine curiosity or concern. But until recently I couldn’t help but feel that I was under scrutiny, that people were suggesting that I wasn’t doing enough - imagining me sitting around watching daytime T.V while my son spends his days gaming. I would find myself at pains to try to explain, or justify, how we spend our days. On the day that the Educational Psychologist posed this question, I felt like I was in the dock! I know that wasn't the intention but I got flustered and tongue tied and forgot to mention many of the brilliant things that we do at home (the things she would have approved of!). 

A few well meaning people have suggested that we look into online school (and we did) but this would still be placing too much demand which causes anxiety on Jamie which causes anxiety.

Maybe the fact that I used to be a teacher causes confusion. Teachers are supposed to be the members of society who prioritise learning so I can understand why some people would assume that, because I was a teacher, I must be teaching Jamie at home. However, when your child is broken, education, attainment and qualifications are the last thing on your mind. 

Frequently having to explain that Jamie was not in a position to learn anything new became draining and I dreaded those conversations. Now, after a couple of years of adjusting and learning, I feel I can confidently say that we spend our days in the way that Jamie needs us to. That can vary hugely from day to day and that is the reality of our flexible education.

Some days we’ll get out for walks in the fresh air while other days end up being duvet days. On the days following a sleepless night I know that Jamie’s physiological needs have not been met so any curriculum based learning I may have hoped to do with him goes out the window for that day. These are the days where I find myself with a bit more time to do “everything else” - housework, blogging, life admin. Sometimes, after a rough night, I even allow myself a wee nap.

Learning From My Mistakes

During lockdown in 2020, I tried to replicate the school day with plans and timetables - a huge mistake! Pre-diagnosis, I hadn’t even heard of Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), part of Jamie’s autism profile. That short-lived experience of home learning was enough to put him off homeschooling, and it’s taken time to reassure him that learning at home won’t look like that again.

Good Days and Tough Days

Yesterday was a great day; a day where Jamie thrived. After our weekly trip into town he seemed relaxed and was happy to have a discussion about Macbeth. Jamie confidently articulated his thoughts on the act he had just read while I was cleaning the kitchen. To sit down and declare that we were going to discuss Macbeth would have been placing way too much demand on Jamie. I have to take opportunities to enable learning conversations to happen organically. We chatted more about Macbeth on our dog walk that evening. We also spent some time setting up a new bank account for Jamie so that he can learn more about managing his own money, an important life skill. Later, he spent time on his computer editing videos - a skill he has taught himself. While I may have been able to sit in a classroom and learn at his age, I certainly didn’t have his capacity or motivation to self teach! 

Jamie is a voracious reader and some days he can spend hours focused on reading from his varied book collection or writing screenplays. On the occasions that I'm allowed to read his work I can see how his reading is supporting the development of his writing skills. I can’t take any credit for that, Jamie does this completely of his own volition. What I do is try to scaffold learning based on his interests, giving purpose to the learning.

However, not every day leaves me feeling positive about my parenting or Jamie’s learning. But my priority is always to meet his needs. Sometimes that means sitting with him for hours on end while he watches his comfort show or a movie he’s already seen dozens of times. I feel deeply uncomfortable admitting that this is how we spend some days. But I have to be attuned to his emotional state and I’m lucky that those around us, school staff included, understand how much Jamie can need this downtime.  To try to force him into learning activities when he is struggling to regulate or riddled with anxiety would not just be wrong, it would be cruel. Why would I try to engage him in learning on a day where he does not feel safe?

The Curriculum

I'm conscious that 18 months from now most of Jamie’s peers will undertake their first national exams, just like my daughter has done. Jamie won't. That can be hard to swallow sometimes, when I think about the books he devours as well as his writing and comprehension skills. But we can’t subject our child to an education or an exam system which would be damaging to him for the sake of obtaining a certificate to confirm what we already know he can do. And of course, the lack of certificates is potentially a huge obstacle to accessing further learning. It doesn’t matter though - health and wellbeing must always come first. Maybe one day Jamie will get those “all important” pieces of paper but we’re going to have to take an unconventional route. 

I’m immensely proud of Jamie’s brilliance, even if the traditional system doesn’t always recognise it. I admit there have been days when I’ve felt a bit sad that his exceptional brain is perhaps not achieving its full potential. However, I remind myself that, contrary to what society tends to suggest, education can happen at any time. It does not necessarily have to happen within a rigid education system which was not designed with neurodivergence in mind. In fact, we’ve come to understand that learning for our boy is highly unlikely to happen within this system.

Prioritising Health and Wellbeing

In navigating burnout it’s important to remember that we can’t do it all. If you are one of the thousands of parents who have their child at home, unable to engage in learning…don’t beat yourself up! And don’t let anyone suggest that you should be focusing on education when your child is not able for it. With this in mind, it makes sense to me to be guided by Maslow’s hierarchy of needs - a reminder of all that needs to be in place before we can expect any meaningful learning to happen.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

The importance of this approach was demonstrated repeatedly during my teaching career. I witnessed firsthand the link between meeting hierarchical needs and children's success in learning. As a result, I consider myself very fortunate to have this opportunity to make sure that my own child's needs are met before embarking on any educational endeavours.

As I write this, it’s a month since Jamie, despite several attempts, has managed to go into school. But he has pushed himself in other ways and we celebrate every win - whether it involves school attendance or not.

I’m going to be bold and speculate that many of us whose children are unable to attend school full time (or at all) will have been advised by someone to make home less comfortable; no treats, don’t allow T.V or gaming during school hours. The notion that depriving these already struggling children of home comforts, or regulation supports would somehow entice them into school makes no sense to me whatsoever.

Education Other Than At School

Across the UK, families navigate different support plans—EHCPs in England, IDPs in Wales, and CSPs in Scotland. For many, these plans fall short, leading them to explore Education Other Than At School (EOTAS). That’s where we are now. Initially, education took a backseat while Jamie recovered from burnout. Now, with an Agreed Reduced Attendance (ARA) in place, we can tailor his education at home, supported by school staff. This collaborative approach ensures Jamie can progress at his own pace. It’s important to stress that, while he has come a long way, Jamie is still recovering and we need to tread slowly and carefully to get this right for him.

The formalisation of our Agreed Reduced Attendance felt quite daunting, even to someone with a teaching qualification. It felt like responsibility for Jamie’s education, as well as everything else, was being handed over to me. Bear in mind, the majority of my career was dedicated to teaching in an infant school so I’m not familiar with the later stages of the curriculum. Added to this, there is no denying that in some areas Jamie’s knowledge and understanding surpasses mine. So I have no intention of trying to “teach” him in the traditional sense. Learning at home is more about me supporting Jamie’s interests, providing opportunities and learning alongside him. 

I am grateful that I can seek support from school and that the staff we work with are willing to think outside the box. For instance, they have noted Jamie’s keen interest in photography and suggested that we start to build a portfolio now, which would potentially enable him to gain a qualification in the senior phase of high school where Photography is offered as a Higher course. This is allowing Jamie to work towards something without pressure of deadlines or exams.

Jamie’s journey has shown us that learning isn’t confined to classrooms or a prescribed curriculum—it’s about curiosity, resilience, and finding joy in life. It doesn't have to follow the traditional timeline and it will be most effective if it is individualised. Education is a life long process. It’s a marathon, not a sprint and it can feel overwhelming with constant self doubt about what we should be doing. I know that many of us navigating this path often feel that we’re not doing enough but we are focusing on the most important thing - the wellbeing of our children.

Below are links to some of the experts and resources I’ve found helpful.

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Not Fine In School - online support and resources for families facing barriers to attendance

Dr Naomi Fisher - clinical psychologist specialising in school trauma and alternatives to school

Sunshine Support - Support and advocacy for parents, carers and professionals supporting children with Special Educational Needs

PDA In The Family - Steph Curtis - book sharing a mother’s experience of raising and educating a child with PDA