Autism at Christmas
For the last few years, since autistic burnout came crashing into our lives, we’ve been perfecting our own ways of celebrating Christmas.
Over the years I’ve read countless blog posts (see links at end of article) and social media updates about the stress and anxiety Christmas can bring for an autistic person. And, for some, it really can. Decorations make everywhere look different, routines can go out of the window and there can be greater expectations around socialising.
You may have heard the saying, “If you’ve met one autistic person….you’ve met one autistic person”. So I can’t write a blog post about how to create the perfect Christmas for any other neurodivergent families. What I can do, however, is share our family's guide to an autism-friendly Christmas.
Yes, we have an autistic child and some aspects of Christmas have to be more carefully planned and managed. But, far from dreading it as a stressful event to be navigated, my family loves and looks forward to Christmas. I hope that some of what we've learned might be helpful to other families.
Many aspects of our Christmas look like other families’. We’ve joined the masses who have succumbed to decorating and putting up the tree before turning the calendar to December. You’ll find me pushing a trolley around the supermarket stocking up on festive delicacies and excitement levels in our house are on the rise as the big day gets closer. Come Christmas Eve, we'll have a houseful of friends and relatives.
Christmases Past
The month of December used to be pretty full on for our family, as it is for many families with children who are bursting with excitement as soon as the advent calendars appear on the kitchen windowsill. Over the years we had established traditions - an amalgamation of traditions continued from my husband’s and my own childhood and new traditions we had forged within our own wee family.
I loved Christmas as much as the kids. Yes, there was always a bit of stress. Finding the desired gifts, fitting in time for shopping, decorating the house, food preparation and far too much baking. And of course the obligatory toy assembling into the wee small hours of Christmas morning!
One thing that never caused stress was whether either of the kids would find the occasion stressful or overstimulating. They both loved Christmas, to put it mildly! To be completely honest, autism didn’t seem to have much impact on our Christmas. What brought about the need to manage the season more carefully was autistic burnout. For Jamie, burnout meant he struggled with situations which he had previously managed. Christmas had the potential to be one of those situations.
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A Different Christmas
That first Christmas of burnout, when Jamie was 11, I was so worried about how he would cope with the buildup and the event itself. He was heavily reliant on familiar routines and quiet time. It turns out Christmas was just what was needed. At a time where Jamie had pretty much withdrawn from school, friendships, events and society in general, the festive season provided a chance to participate in plenty of “normal” seasonal activities. The beauty of Christmas is that while there is an abundance of festive activities on offer, it can also involve embracing cosy time at home. Regular readers will know by now that Jamie is a film fanatic. He’s also partial to a creamy hot chocolate and he was able to indulge in both from the comfort of his own home, his safe space.
I know we’re not the only family adapting to a different type of Christmas. As it did for most people around the globe, Covid imposed changes to festive celebrations. Some of our traditions, such as seeing extended family, parties and our Christmas Eve city stroll with hot chocolates were off the menu. So I guess we had already experienced an altered Christmas before autistic burnout hit.
I'm also aware that adapting parts of our Christmas is a natural progression as our children grow older. The more I’ve thought about it over the years, the more I feel that all families, neurodiverse or not, should feel free to celebrate Christmas however they want to.
WHAT I'VE LEARNED....
What matters to them?
If I was to give one piece of advice it would be to find out from your child what matters to them. These are the things to prioritise. For Jamie it’s the movies, auntie Lynsey’s annual December visit and time with his granny, aunt, uncle and little cousins. And the presents! Everything else is a case of seeing how Jamie feels at the time.
School
Once again, I have to recognise how fortunate we are to have the support of Jamie’s school in this flexibility to get Christmas right for Jamie. Here in the UK, schools in December are a whirlwind of parties, Christmas crafts, concerts and nativities. Quite a departure from the usual structure.
The staff understand how much energy Christmas can require of Jamie and there are no attendance expectations. He goes on the days he feels able. I can almost guarantee you that my boy will be in that school in the last week of term thanks to the staff who ask him to do a Christmas Quiz for them each year - even though they all do dismally, much to Jamie’s amusement!
Decorations
Jamie loves to be involved in the decorating of the house. For all that he is keen to have the house decorated throughout December, he does talk about the fact that it is a change and it makes the house feel different. Apart from a miniature tree, there will be no other decorations in his bedroom. For some autistic children it helps to introduce decorations gradually over a couple of weeks but Jamie likes there to be a “Decorating Day”.
Managing My Own Expectations
I used to make an activity advent calendar for us and we would do something Christmas related every day - drive around the town to admire the lights, craft, parties. I’ve learned although planning is important for Jamie, having too much planned can lead to stress for Jamie and disappointment for other members of the family. So I’ve learned to allow for a quieter advent, keeping ideas up my sleeve and using them in a more spontaneous way when and if the time is right. Another adaptation has been accepting that not every activity needs to involve the whole family. While I would love us all to go to a carol service together, that’s really my own wish. So this year, I think I’m going to go ahead and take myself to a carol concert while the rest of the family chill at home.
Presents
With such eclectic and specific interests, I would be in danger of failing miserably if I were to try to surprise Jamie, so he does let us know exactly what he would like for Christmas. This avoids him worrying about not knowing what to expect or how to handle receiving gifts he doesn’t like. Having lots of presents to open can be overwhelming for many children so we've always let our kids set the pace on the day and some years there are still gifts to be opened at night or even on Boxing Day.
Eating
While Christmas is a time of indulgence for many of us, it doesn’t seem to be a major feature for Jamie. He doesn't see Christmas as a reason to deviate from his usual foods. So, as we tuck into our turkey, Jamie may join us or he may be happier to enjoy a pizza. He might not feel inclined to eat much at all when there's so much going on and that’s fine.
As with any of our family gatherings, there is always a place (his usual spot) set for Jamie but there is no requirement for him to sit at the table if that feels overwhelming for him. Sometimes that time when the rest of us are eating is a chance for him to have some quiet time and recover. If he wants company one of us will join him.
Prepare for the crash
We’re prepared for it now but three years ago we had no idea quite how exhausting the event of Christmas would be for our boy. The week following Christmas Day is purely for recovery with lots of sleep, rest….and more movies. I know that Jamie considers the recovery time a price worth paying. To be honest, it also forces me to have some quiet time which I know I need but probably wouldn’t have taken otherwise.
Remember "Comparison is the thief of joy"
We all know social media will provide us with a barrage of photos of other families having the “perfect Christmas”. Don’t be fooled - most people tend to share the highlights online. If you think it’s going to detract from your festivities, maybe just take a break from social media. There is no one size fits all Christmas so focus on doing it your way.
Whatever Christmas looks like for you, I hope it creates happy memories and brings joy and connection in the way that suits your family.
I’d love to hear about how you’ve crafted the festive season to make it just right for you and your those you love. Share away in the comments below!
Further Reading
Really interesting read that shed a lot of light and I'm sure will help others. Thanks for sharing.