The Parenting Mistakes I Made With My Autistic Child

Parenting Mistakes I Made With My Autistic Child

How often do you feel you’re getting it wrong for your kids? We all know that making mistakes is a very effective way of learning.  But none of us want to be making mistakes with our parenting. Above all else, it’s the one thing in life that most of us parents endeavour to get right. From the moment we hold those precious babies in our arms for the first time, our purpose is to protect them from any harm. And when we're not able to do that, it's heartbreaking. I do live with some regrets about past mistakes - times I feel I let my boy down or caused him extra stress or anxiety.

If I’m going to write about autism in relation to Jamie, I always check with him first. He’s usually very good at letting me know what he’s comfortable with but I was slightly taken aback at his levels of enthusiasm about my idea to write a post about the mistakes I’ve made regarding his autism. It seems there have been a few! 

The first time I heard the saying, “If you’ve met one person with autism…….you’ve met one person with autism”, I thought it sounded quite patronising. But it is true. As Jamie himself reminded me, autism is a spectrum. So while I appreciate that mistakes I’ve made may not be relatable for all other parents of autistic teenagers, we agreed that there are likely to be some things that parents commonly don’t get quite right and Jamie was also keen to play his part in making the autism journey easier for other families. 

Read on to learn about some of the mistakes I’ve made - always with the best of intentions for my boy - but mistakes nonetheless. I’m not sharing these because I’m proud (of course I’m not) but I hope that perhaps sharing some parenting mistakes I made with my autistic child could spare someone else from making the same mistakes. 

Doubting Myself

Before he was even two years old, I had my suspicions about Jamie being on the autistic spectrum. However, the majority of professionals we raised our concerns with attributed Jamie’s difficulties to anxiety. With hindsight, it’s now glaringly obvious that the anxiety stemmed from being in settings and situations which were just not right for him - because he was autistic.

Jamie’s ability to mask (at great cost to himself) meant that all the way through primary school, my husband and my concerns about autism were disregarded; there was no classroom based evidence to support this. 

The COVID pandemic also contributed to the delay in diagnosis. However, I do often wonder whether things might have been different if I had been more insistent. 

Some people question whether a diagnosis makes a difference and I think that depends on your child’s situation. In our case, it did. That's why I wish I’d pushed for it sooner. When we eventually got the autism diagnosis, the support that our child needed was suddenly available. What’s more, when we shared concerns with school, they took us seriously. 

My Advice:

Don’t doubt yourself. Nobody knows your child better than you do and you are their advocate. What the professionals see is very often a snapshot of your child. In our case that was a child who was masking, conforming to all the systems and expectations placed on him. So, as hard as it is, if you’re not being listened to, you might just have to become “that parent”.... The Instagram account It's That Parent will help you feel less alone in taking on this role!

Being Completely Unaware of Autistic Burnout

Perhaps my biggest regret is that I knew absolutely nothing about autistic burnout. I had never even heard of it despite training I had undertaken as a teacher, the parenting courses and all the internet research I had done as a concerned mum. That’s why I feel so compelled to tell others about it; to make sure they know that it exists and how to spot the signs. It’s so important to me because the difficulties my child has experienced in the last three years - the disruption to his wellbeing, his education, his social life, our whole family’s lives - came about not just because Jamie was autistic but because he was suffering autistic burnout. 

My Advice:

Forewarned is forearmed. Firstly, learn all you can about autism, including autistic burnout. Secondly, if autistic burnout does feature for your child, shout about it to the professionals involved with your child. Here are some of the people who have helped me to learn about autistic burnout:

Neurodivergent Lou

Dr. Joanne

Not Listening Sooner About School

Not all autistic children struggle at school, but mine did. For years, Jamie told us, albeit indirectly, that school wasn’t right for him. I’ll always regret not understanding this sooner instead of pushing him to attend.

I wish with all my heart that I’d listened sooner rather than blindly conforming to the societal norm of sending your child to school. I tried hard to support him to attend school despite all the sore tummies, questionable ailments and morning meltdowns. What I wish I’d done was recognise that school was the wrong environment for Jamie. I wish that I’d said, “enough is enough” and given him the break he so badly needed from school. I wish I’d understood the trauma school was inflicting on my boy. But isn’t hindsight a wonderful thing?

My Advice: 

Few children will have the ability to articulate that school is causing them harm so as well as listening to what they are vocally telling you look out for the signs I mentioned above. No matter what schools or the government tell you, attendance is not the most important thing in the world. Discovering Dr. Naomi Fisher opened my eyes to a new way of approaching education.

Handling Meltdowns Badly

Firstly, it’s important to clarify that meltdowns are not tantrums. They are the result of a child not being able to cope in a situation. Thankfully, now that we have learned to meet our boy’s needs, meltdowns are usually few and far between. But it seems they’re something I’m still not dealing with as well as I’d like. In those moments, it often feels like whatever I say is the wrong thing and only makes the meltdown worse. Seeing my child in distress, my maternal instincts drive me to reassure him that he is alright. However, Jamie has pointed out to me that in those moments he is not alright and someone telling him otherwise is frustrating and upsetting. Equally, saying nothing can be a wrong move. One meltdown is often different to the one before and we’re still learning the best ways to support our boy in moments of distress.

My Advice:

Can I really dole out advice when I haven’t perfected this myself? What I try to do now is ask Jamie what he needs me to do - sometimes he wants a cuddle, sometimes he doesn’t. Sometimes he wants to be alone, sometimes he doesn’t. Focus on keeping your child safe and let them know that you are there for them in whatever way they need. If your child is able to talk about meltdowns, it’s worth having a chat with them, even days later about how they need you to respond.

Understanding The Importance Of Routines and Predictability

I’m quite ashamed of this one. I thought I had routines sussed. After twenty years as a teacher, I was very much aware of the importance of routines for autistic children and experienced in putting these routines in place and ensuring that they were followed. It turns out, doing this in your own home, in your own life, is a little different. It’s easier to accidentally let things slip in the midst of busy, daily living. Previously, I would think nothing of a last minute change of plan for dinner if I realised I was missing ingredients or had less time to prepare a meal than planned. I know now that deviation from the promised dinner is unsettling for Jamie.

I think I’m getting better at the daily routines but in the last few years, I’ve been slow to identify some of the things Jamie does as “routines”. Routines are not just about following morning or bedtime routines. For many autistic individuals, life is a series of routines and deviating from them can be distressing. For example, I was so delighted when he felt able to go to Edinburgh on the train every month to go to his favourite music shop. We’d get the train there, go to his shop and get the next train home. After unsuccessfully suggesting a few times that we add some other things into the trip, it finally dawned on me: that would make the day unpredictable. Jamie has found a routine to this trip and is only comfortable when it is done in a certain way. So now when we have our trip to Edinburgh we stick to his routine (and it makes him so happy).

My Advice:

Yes, sometimes sticking to routines limits opportunities for the rest of us to extend a nice activity or try something different but that takes away the predictability and turns the activity or event into a stressful experience for Jamie. I’ve found the way to manage this is to do my utmost to stick to plans and routines with Jamie but when I’m on my own I can vary things if I like.

Mother’s Guilt

I wish I could say that there will be no more mistakes now but the reality is, I’m only human. More to the point, I’m not an autistic human so I’m bound to misunderstand some things and mess up at times. However, as we navigate the teenage years, I will do my utmost to be the very best mum and advocate that I can be for him.

I’m grateful that my child is (sometimes) in a position to articulate when I get things wrong for him; I know that’s not the case with all autistic children. The writing of this blog post, and ascertaining that Jamie was comfortable with it all, facilitated some very honest and helpful conversations between us about mistakes I’ve made - and some I’m still making. 

If there’s one thing mums are pros at, it’s guilt. This applies whether your child is neurodivergent or not. But dwelling on past mistakes doesn’t help anyone. Parenting, like all relationships, can be messy and we’re all learning as we go. I think the best thing we can do - for our kids and for ourselves - is to accept that we might make mistakes along the way, be willing to learn from them and keep showing up to do our very best for our kids.

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