The Importance of Friendship in Midlife (and All The Years That Led Here)

The Importance of Friendship in Midlife

“Friends are the family we choose for ourselves”

Edna Buchanan

Life feels so much better when you’ve got the right people in it: they can make the tough times a little easier and the good times even more special.

Midlife can be busy, beautiful, and occasionally bewildering. It’s often the friends we’ve gathered along the way that help keep us grounded, walking with us as we tackle life’s unexpected events as well as sharing in our happiest times.

From childhood pals who know every version of us, to newer friends who try to understand our world and our minds, these connections matter more than we sometimes realise.

I was in my thirties before I first heard the saying, “Friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for life”. Instantly, it made total sense to me. That is exactly what my experience has been.

In this post, I’m reflecting on the importance of friendships in all the stages up to and including midlife - the friends we gain, the friends we lose and the friends who become the family we chose.

Childhood Friends

I consider myself fortunate to still have a couple of friends who I’ve known since primary school. They are the people I experienced first sleepovers with, chose as a partner in gym and shared birthday party and playground games with. And the unexpected friend I found in my Maths class at high school has been not just my best friend but my flatmate, holiday companion and bridesmaid. She’s the one I’ve grown up with and who became part of the family. Our friendship has now spanned enough decades that we get to go to the reunion concerts of the bands we followed in our teens! 

We have a plan for our old age to go to the tiny train station in the middle of nowhere which we used to have to frequent, and have an ice cream just like the two old ladies on the Scotrail poster we saw there when we were 15. And it’s one of life’s certainties as far as I’m concerned. She - that funny girl I was made to sit beside in maths - will always be in my life.

These childhood friends are precious, connecting us not only to people we care about but to so many shared memories. These friendships mean you can sit in a bar in your forties discussing spouses, children and careers. It all feels quite sophisticated until you find yourselves singing the songs you sang for a school show in 1987, laughing over stories of old teachers and wondering what became of other classmates.

Of course, as we move through the seasons of life, most of us meet new friends along the way; the university friends, the colleagues who become friends, the couple friends and then the baby friends. Some of these friendships last, others don’t.

The University Friends

Turning up at university as a nervous teenager, what a relief it was to find myself surrounded by others at the same life stage and together we transitioned into adulthood. Between us, we sussed out the skills required for living away from home, studied for exams, ensured safe returns from nights out and faced the highs and lows of young love.

In my case, I still have two close friends who I met at university where we all trained to be primary teachers. These days they are both still dedicated to the profession that I’ve opted out of. There’s a decade between my kids and theirs so, on the face of it, we don’t have a lot in common. But with some friendships that just doesn’t matter. We may be in different stages of careers and parenthood - the things that tend to dominate much of life - but our bond means that we are all interested and invested in whatever is going on for each of us. 

The Baby Friends

How would we have got through those early years without them? United in our tiredness, we’d share tips, struggles and the utter joy of watching our babies grow. I was the first of my friends to have a baby and it was the first time in life I remember thinking, “I’m going to have to make new friends”.

Within weeks of giving birth, many of us find ourselves in a church hall with a bunch of people we potentially have nothing in common with, other than the fact that we have become mums. Yet that one link can spark some of the deepest connections. What’s more important in the life of a mum than her baby? And so often these strangers end up being the people who hold our hand throughout the parenting journey and - if you get lucky -  beyond.

Some of these friendships are seasonal and don’t last beyond the nappy years. The people we shared all those early milestones with become Facebook friends or people we occasionally bump into in the supermarket.

Others, however, can go on to become some of our most significant friendships - another extension to our family. My first baby led me to the friend who I would share so much of my life with - our second pregnancies, relocations, career changes, holidays and life reinventions! Eighteen years on from texting during night feeds we still text daily about life’s minutiae as well as the meaning of life. I can tell you what she had for dinner most days and she could tell you how my daughter’s driving lesson went. There may be hundreds of miles between us but she’s a major part of my everyday life. And when we're together, life feels wonderful!

The Mum Friends

Through the different stages we traverse with our children, we encounter more and more new people, often adding to our own circle of friends. I’m sure anyone who has had a child has appreciated having someone to sit with at school concerts, someone to share Brownie lifts with and a friendly face to chat to in the school playground.

My husband and I spent last Friday night sitting drinking wine in the garden with the parents of the little girl our daughter chose as her best friend way back at the start of primary school. We had gathered to celebrate our girls finishing high school but it also felt like a celebration of our own friendship, one that will continue even now that we're not sharing school picks ups.

I recently heard Mel Robbins talk about the importance of proximity for friendships. I suppose that’s one of the founding strengths of mum friendships. Most mornings and afternoons, those same faces are waiting to greet you at the school gates. You commiserate on the stress of getting kids out the door, catch up on school gossip and share in their kids’ challenges and achievements. Sometimes, when the proximity is no longer there, these friendships can fade. But the ones that last are precious.

The Work Friends

There’s something unique about the friendships formed in the workplace. Work friends see a version of us that others might not - the version that’s putting out fires, presenting ideas, juggling calendars, or counting down to Friday. They're in the trenches with us during stressful deadlines, awkward meetings, and workplace politics. 

Some of these friendships dwindle when the job ends - and that’s okay. They were part of a chapter, a shared context that gave the friendship shape. But now and then, one or two of those connections outlast the job. Years after leaving the school I spent most of my career in, I still see some of those colleagues who turned into real friends. We can meet for lunches or coffees and enjoy knowing there will be no school bell to dictate when the gossip should end. And although there’s always a bit of reminiscing about our time as colleagues, the fact that we stay in touch and care about each other’s present lives tells a tale of connection rather than simply proximity.

The Digital Friends

Now here’s something I would never have foreseen writing: I have a few online friends! And just because I’ve never met them, their value cannot be underestimated. In these super-connected times, it’s become so easy to find people online who share our experiences, outlook and ambitions. Sharing my blog has connected me with a new group of people and the fact that they are scattered all around the globe is no barrier to the connection and support they have been able to offer me over the past year. 

It’s becoming increasingly common for friendships - even if they are purely online - to form in facebook groups where a shared interest or circumstance brings people together. Sometimes these friendships can offer support in ways that people in “real life” can’t.

The Midlife Friends 

Midlife can be a time for recalibration - of priorities, of pace, and of people. It’s often during this time that we become clearer about who we are and what (and who) truly matters to us. Friendships in midlife can look different from those in our younger years. They’re often less about shared routines or convenience and more about emotional resonance and mutual understanding.

These are the friends who see us stretched by responsibility - juggling careers, relationships, teenagers, ageing relatives, or even our own health challenges. They may not be the ones we see every day, or even every month, but when we do connect it’s just special.

Midlife friends are the ones we can text at 10pm when everything feels too much. They’re the ones who can read between the lines of a text message when we’re not alright. The ones we can laugh with about faux pas and forgetfulness, and be completely open about fears, regrets, and hopes. These precious friends remind us that we’re still us - not just someone’s mum, partner, colleague or carer.

There's a gentleness in midlife friendships, yet they also feel solid and robust. They hold space for all the versions of us as we navigate life.

Perhaps that’s the beauty of friendship in midlife: there's no need to hide the messy stuff, our true friends are there for the laughter and the tears. And when we find ourselves surrounded by the right friends in midlife, it feels like gold.

Friends for a Season, Friends for a Reason or Friends for Life?

While we gather many friends along the way, let’s not forget the friendships that naturally fade away. Letting go of friendships isn’t something that seems to be commonly discussed. It sounds like a sad thing - a failure. Sometimes it is. I've heard the end of a friendship being likened to the demise of a romantic relationships. But I think it's a natural process. In our busy world, I suppose it would be very difficult to sustain every friendship we develop. Circumstances and people change and inevitably some friendships don’t endure. 

That doesn’t mean those friendships weren’t valuable - it’s just that perhaps they were only ever meant to last for a particular season.

Perhaps you've had friendships which faded once the school run - the thing that used to keep you connected - was no longer part of your routine. Maybe your life, or theirs, just took a new direction. I’ve had friendships that have faded once our children grew apart, or when we were no longer colleagues.

I’ve learned that sometimes the reason one friendship flounders can also be the reason another friendship begins. As I navigated the fallout of autistic burnout with my son, it brought some new friends into my life - people who were sharing similar experiences and emotions and who understood exactly what I was facing. These shared experiences can form strong bonds.

In contrast, for some of the friends who were having a dramatically different parenting experience, I can see that it was an awkward time for them. I was consumed by my situation. They didn’t know what to say or how to help so, with no ill intentions on anyone's part, some friendships drifted.

Another scenario - and I think this one is the hardest to swallow - is that maybe you have no idea what happened to that friendship. It happens, leaving us only able to speculate on what the reasons could be. But don’t speculate for too long. Maybe that’s just what was meant for that particular relationship once its season or reason was over.

My Midlife Gifts

So here I am  - I’ve arrived at midlife and I’m more grateful than ever for these relationships which have endured and turned into lifelong friendships. I’ve managed to carry several special friendships into my forties and I don’t know what I’d do without them! Each and every one of them feels like a precious gift and I intend to treasure them. 

Some friends have been constants, woven through every chapter. Others appeared for a season, offering exactly what I needed in that moment, even if they didn’t stay. A few drifted away quietly, their absence leaving a question mark I’ll probably never answer. And still, I’m grateful for them all.

As I move through midlife with my friends by my side, I’m acutely aware of how fortunate I am to have each of them. I know how much they enhance my life and I hope that I can do the same for them.

If this post made you think of a special friend, maybe share it with them. Sometimes a simple “this made me think of you” is all it takes to let someone know what they mean to you.

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