Summer With Teens: Navigating Change and Finding Yourself Again

Summer Meant Freedom

As a child I always loved the summer holidays - those magical six (sometimes seven!) whole weeks of freedom. I'll never forget that feeling of elation on the last day of the school year - playing out late in the evening sun and basking in the glorious absence of school for many weeks to come.

In my teaching days I lived for those holidays! I don’t say this flippantly, I genuinely felt that long summer break was the only time in the year that I could completely switch off, relax and feel less anxious about work. All year round, I was living in anticipation of my precious summer holidays. And those summers became even more precious once I was experiencing them with my own children.

Childhood Summers

Throughout much of my childhood, the last day of term was marked with an overnight drive from Scotland to the south of England where we caught a ferry to France for a family holiday. When I had my own children, I was keen for them to experience such holidays and we managed to have many wonderful holidays both inside and outside the UK.

My summer memories with my kids are among my most treasured. As I recall, we were hardly at home. Even when we were not away on an actual holiday, summers were filled with adventures and picnics at beaches and rivers, trying out different play parks with friends. I can almost still hear the squeals of delight as they splashed about in the paddling pool. It was glorious and it strikes me as I write this that these were some of the happiest times of my life.

My babies turned into toddlers who turned into school children and then tweens. Through all these stages we were a unit. Our social lives were linked. We did everything together, sometimes just us and often teaming up with friends to make memories. I would come up with plans and the kids, bless them, were always happy to jump in the car full of enthusiasm for a day out. I was in my element. I don’t think I would ever have been ready for them to stop. But they did. And this summer in particular, I’m learning that summer with teens is different.

When Summer with Kids Starts to Change

I can’t blame Covid for the fact that my children have grown older and those summers now being fond memories which I know cannot be repeated. But I can see now that the summer of COVID  was when the transition began for us. We had to follow government guidance and restrictions just like everyone else and by the time we had come through Covid, things within our family had changed drastically. 

Of course it’s to be expected that summers will change - everything will change! - as we move through the years with our children. At some point we inevitably have to transition from parenting young children to parenting teens. I just wasn’t prepared for it. I wasn’t even thinking about it. I never once thought, “This will be our last summer like this”.

Emerging on the other side of Covid, my children were both in new life stages. No longer available to be my summer-long companions. No more so than this summer which I think is going to be the strangest of all for me.

On one hand I desperately miss the smallness, the innocence and the constant company. But I’ve got to say I’m also enjoying observing  - marvelling even - as they grow into young adults. I want both - the little people and the people they have become. Like I say, it’s a strange time.

Parenting Teens Through a Transitional Summer

Do you remember the summer you finished high school? That summer for me and for many of my friends is still referred to as “the summer of our lives”. We were in that magic era of having freedom but no responsibility, and we were full of excitement about leaving home and starting our new “adult” lives. My parents, much as I adored them, were not who I spent that summer with. I was with my friends all the time, spreading our wings.

Well, that’s the stage my own daughter is at this summer. She is out there with her friends, preparing for her next step and embracing her “best life” as they say. I’m so happy and excited for her…..but I do miss her.

My younger son, on the other hand, is happiest at home so his summer plans revolve mostly around movies.

This Strange Summer

This summer, I am at home far more than previous years but house is often still. For my teenagers there are more long lies than early rises. Rather than travelling home from a day out in the back of the car in their pyjamas, Vaila is in her party gear and Jamie is staying up watching movies way later than I can stay awake. And picnics? I can’t honestly remember when we last had a picnic together. 

It all feels quite disparate. My husband is mostly working, Jamie has his movies, and Vaila is living in a whirlwind of concerts, celebrations and trips away.

But the thing that is really getting to me, the feeling that struck me when Vaila jetted off on holiday with her friends, is that this is just a taster. In a couple of months, she won’t even live under the same roof as the rest of us as she heads off to university. The thought fills me with pride….and dread. 

Finding Joy in a Different Kind of Summer with Teenagers

I do find myself wishing that we could go back and relive just one of those beautiful summers together. But life doesn’t work like that. I suspect that nothing will ever quite compare to those magical summers being “mummy” to those little people. But I’m fortunate to have my precious memories. 

I have no choice but to accept where we are - where I am - in life. My children are finding their freedom, making their own decisions about how to spend their time and I have to ask myself, “Where does that leave me?”

I don’t mean in a “What about poor mummy?” way! It has to be seen as an opportunity to think about what I want my summer to be like. 

Here’s where it gets tricky! Although they don’t need me to plan and orchestrate their summer, I am still needed for various reasons - from supporting autistic burnout to giving lifts. I think my role this summer is largely to facilitate. Parenting a neurodivergent teen adds another layer to this new rhythm - one where consistency and downtime often matter more than big adventures. However, in between mum duties, I’m trying to carve out some time for myself to find new ways to enjoy summer.

My Summer Plans

What are we meant to do with our summers when we’re not packing picnics, hoovering sand out of the car and slathering kids with sunscreen? At this stage, I’m not sure I have the answer but I know I need to find my own rhythm while still being around for my teenagers when they need me. Although he doesn’t need me to take him for days out or activities, my autistic teenage son does need me to be around.

So as we approach the summer holidays, here’s my plan to get through this strange summer of transition:

Borrow my niece and nephew

I’m very fortunate that my young niece and nephew and their entourage (parents) spend three weeks in Scotland every summer. Their visit brings laughter, noise, sticky fingers and the chance to relive a little of the chaos I miss.

Work on my blog

With no school in the picture over summer, I’m hoping for plenty of time batching content for my blog. If the Scottish weather is kind, I’m envisaging sitting out in the garden with my laptop.

My constant companion

Fortunately, we have a furry child and they never grow up! So Toby dog will gladly keep me company on daily walks and always choose to be in the same room as me.

Have a social life of my own

Summer is a lovely time to catch up with friends for leisurely lunches, afternoon drinks and barbecues and I'm looking forward to partaking in some of this!

Enjoy my garden

I’m by no means “green-fingered” (I think it would be fair to say I’m a bit of a lost cause in terms of gardening!) but I’ve recently discovered that I enjoy pottering in my garden and it’s a perfect way to feel less confined to the house on the days that I am in fact confined to the house.

Family Time

Yes, things may be changing but we will still find some precious moments to gather round the chiminea in the garden or watch a movie together. And although she may be branching out on her own, Vaila will never be too old for a London trip with her mum!

You're Not Alone: Sharing the Summer Parenting Struggle

If you’re facing a summer similar to mine, trying to embrace this new stage while still yearning for days gone by, remember you’re not on your own. It must come to most parents eventually. I think the tricky thing is that although we are not their whole world anymore, we are still “home” and our teenagers often still need us to just be there - even if in the background. It feels a little like we’re living in limbo at times.

And while social media might suggest that everyone else is having a perfect, joy-filled summer, remember: most of us are only sharing the highlights.

So if this summer feels strange, if you're drifting a little without the anchor of days out and water fights and sticky ice lolly hands, you're not alone. We're just learning how to be in this latest life stage: beginning to discover who we are on the other side of parenting younger children and adjusting to the rhythms of raising teenagers.

I’d love to hear how other parents are navigating this in-between summer - what are you doing with this time? How are you taking care of yourself? Let’s share, support and remind each other: it’s different, it’s strange but it can still be wonderful!

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