Why Parents and Carers Need Breaks: How To Avoid Caregiver Burnout

The Importance of Breaks as a Form of Self Care for Parents and Carers

Find me a parent who hasn’t “popped to the bathroom” not out of necessity but just for a moment of peace - a little break to preserve sanity. Or are my friends and I just terrible parents?!

Today I’m thinking about the importance of breaks for parents and carers. I’ve learned the hard way just how important it is to give ourselves permission to take a break. I’ve already written about autistic burnout but this week my focus is on why parents need breaks and how to avoid caregiver burnout.

Breaks aren’t a luxury for carers, they’re a necessity. Yet, for many parents and carers, taking a break feels like an impossible dream.

Are You A Parent or a Carer?

For a long time I was uncomfortable with this question. Until a year ago, I was very hesitant to label myself a “parent carer”.  I was just a parent trying to meet my child’s needs - that’s what parents do. I felt quite uneasy about the term. However, through some helpful online communities I came to realise and accept that I am actually a Parent Carer. A Parent Carer is someone who looks after a child with additional needs or disabilities - a role that often goes far beyond typical parenting.

This became more apparent as my child hit the teenage years. While our peers were beginning to regain their freedom as their children grew up, my husband and I were experiencing the exact opposite. 

So whether you’re caring for a child, a partner, elderly relatives - or maybe you’re in the sandwich generation caring for multiple people - it’s time to start thinking about some self-care.

Carergiver Burnout

Burnout isn't just a buzzword, it's a very real and pressing issue for many unpaid carers. 

Being a caregiver for someone you love is a privilege and can be extremely rewarding. However, it can also take its toll mentally and emotionally with 79% of caregivers reporting feelings of stress or anxiety due to their caring responsibilities (Carers UK). Many carers feel isolated and experience mental health struggles as well as fatigue.

If we want to be the best caregivers we can be, it’s crucial to acknowledge the challenges and prioritise self-care.

Why Breaks For Carers Are So Important

Imagine running a marathon with no water stops. Eventually, your body will shut down. The same principle applies to care giving. Without regular breaks, even the most dedicated carers will inevitably reach a point of exhaustion and burnout, impacting not only their own mental and physical well-being but also the quality of care they can provide. 

Not many people are prepared for becoming a carer. Some of us find ourselves dealing with a loss of freedom, giving up jobs and making changes to our lives we had never planned on. We’re trying to balance the needs of the child we have become a carer for with the rest of the family. It can be all too easy to lose any sense of self - to simply get through the days. And I don’t think anyone really wants to live that way.

But after a while, we realise that the saying “You can’t pour from an empty cup” is so true! Sometimes we give so much, because we want to and need to, to those we are caring for that we find ourselves spiralling into our own burnout. It took me a while but I do now understand that looking after myself is actually important for those I care for as well - I want to be able to give them the best version of me.

Barriers to Taking a Break

The harsh reality is that being able to take breaks can feel impossible - logistically, financially, emotionally.  And I think that’s why so many carers just don’t.

A Logistical Challenge

It’s not just as simple as deciding that you need a break and taking one. If someone requires your care, it’s likely that to enable a break you’re going to have to find someone to take on your caring responsibilities in your absence. It can also mean scrutinising calendars to find times with no meetings or hospital appointments for the person you’re caring for.

I’m in the very fortunate position of having a supportive husband and my mum who are both ready and willing to enable some breaks for me.

A Financial Challenge

It’s not uncommon for those who are caring for family members to find themselves in financial hardship. I am among the large number of parents who have left employment to be able to dedicate myself to caring. For many of us, cutbacks have already been made, we’re in an ongoing a cost of living crisis and finding additional funds for respite breaks can be a challenge. It’s only now that I understand how much I need my breaks that I’ve learned ways to fund this precious form of self-care and to find low or zero cost ways of taking a break.

An Emotional Challenge

How do you explain to the person you care for - someone you love dearly - that you need a break? The guilt of this is crushing and can make it feel very tempting to just not bother with a break. This was one of my biggest worries but now my son understands that just as staying close to home is best for his mental health, mine benefits from getting out and about and seeing new places.

It can feel painfully difficult to ask other family members to take over something which you have acknowledged is exhausting and draining, even if it is only for a few hours. You are still asking that person to give up their time so that you can be free - that never feels easy.

Then there’s that age old problem of us parents feeling that nobody else can look after our child as well as we can! I struggled with this when my kids were babies and in more recent years, during my son’s burnout I felt completely responsible for making sure everything was done just as he needed it. In the toughest days of burnout, we were living in crisis mode and I don’t think the thought of taking a break crossed my mind - there was no way I could have left him.

These significant hurdles often create a perfect storm, leaving some carers feeling trapped and unable to prioritise their own needs.

Redefining What A Break Looks Like

For me, travel is the ultimate break. I remember bursting into tears at seeing a plane in the sky because I thought my travelling days were over. But now travel is becoming part of my life again - in a different way - and it’s a hugely important part of my self-care. 

That’s when I feel I can remember or rediscover who I am as a person. Staying somewhere different gives me physical distance between myself and home - and responsibility. I have a few days of being a bit selfish I suppose - not looking after anyone, doing what I feel like doing, resting, exploring. It feels like freedom. It’s a rest from To Do lists, from tight chests and feeling a bit trapped. And it’s a chance to catch up on sleep.

But travel - even budget travel - costs money and means ensuring there are people at home to facilitate it so it’s just not possible to take this kind of break as often as I might like. That’s why we have to open our minds to various forms of breaks, including micro breaks, that we can try to slot into our days.

Micro Breaks

If you have to go and take some deep breaths in the bathroom throughout the day, go for it! Sometimes, that is the only break available. But, if you can, think about other ways of securing some time out for yourself. That could be:

• A walk 

• Dinner with friends

• A bath

• Bingeing a TV show while your child is asleep

• Going for coffee - solo or with a friend

• Signing up to a class

• Finding a hobby you can enjoy at home

• Sitting down with a cuppa

• Stepping outside for 5 minutes of fresh air

The True Price of a Break

When I return home after a few days away, even the dog seems to be resentful towards me! Coming home can be tough, however much we miss our families while we’re away. I’ve had times when my son has been so happy to see me yet still being upset with me for having gone away. That’s really tough. Not only are we dealing with guilt but the benefits of the break are diminished pretty quickly. Don’t give up though - in my experience, the more I’ve taken these little breaks, the easier it has become for both of us. Over the years we’ve learned more and more strategies to help him to cope while I’m away. In fact, I think he sometimes looks forward to my time away when he watches movies with his dad or granny!

Support For Carers

While it can feel horribly isolating, there is support out there for carers. 

The Carers UK and Carers Trust websites offer a wealth of advice, information and support. Social media also offers opportunities to connect with others in a similar position - people who just get it.

If you’re feeling in need of a break away but feeling limited by finances, I have recently found out about Carefree, an organisation who provide very low cost hotel breaks for unpaid carers in the UK.

Take A Break!

Whether your break is five minutes behind a locked bathroom door or a full weekend away, it matters. You matter. And caring for yourself isn’t selfish - it’s what keeps the whole system running.

So please take the break. Book the weekend away! Step outside for those five minutes. You may be a carer or a parent but you are still a person in your own right and you deserve care too. What micro break can you give yourself today?

Let’s support each other - you can help others in the carer community by sharing your self-care tips in the comments below.

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